Thursday, April 28, 2011

A Never Ending Battle

It has taken me a while to figure out all the things I wanted to talk about in my next blog post, this blog post. There have been so many things that I have been dealing with in my own head that I haven't been able to find the words to put it down on paper. So I am just going to start and see where this goes.

My Running-

I have never been a runner, I was the fat girl in high school who started off the mile run at a jog and about 1/4 of the way through ended up walking the rest of the way, I dreaded running seriously dreaded it. Why, because I was lazy, really lazy. I never pushed myself to do anything that was hard. I played softball in high school, that was it and you know how much running that entitles.

The first experience I had with really running was in college at Yavapai when I had gained lots of weight and needed to loose it some how. I had a friend who would run with me around the square and slowly but surely I think I made it up to running a mile.

So on and off since then I have ran here and there but never really stuck to it. At our traveling class for BodyBack the other day I realized that I am the only one who keeps telling myself that I am not a runner. It is so ridiculous to say "I am not a runner" sorry if I offend some of you, but our bodies, our human bodies were made to run.

I have come to the conclusion that I may not be the best runner, but I run and I am proud of myself when I do it and when I complete a run. So I need to work on getting better, faster and stronger and it is going to be a never ending battle and I just have to deal with that.

My Weight-

Ohh God, here we go again, I am saying this because I am frustrated that something like a number on a scale constantly dictates how I feel about myself, my day and all kinds of other things around me. I have this never ending battle with food. I love it, I enjoy eating things that may be high in calories and fat and I don't have a shut off button.

I know what it takes to loose weight to eat healthy and to fuel your body with what it needs to be productive, have more energy and be a healthier individual in general. I know what my body needs to eat to loose weight but I constantly push the limits and eat things here and there that I know I shouldn't eat. Things that pretty much cancel out all the amazing workouts I do to burn those calories that would help me loose this last 15-20 lbs I would like to loose.

I just wish I had more self control, I wish I could be stronger when it comes to what I put in my body. But it is almost impossible for me to go out to eat and choose a salad over pizza, heck most of the time I will order the salad because it is delicious and I will get pizza too!

This is something I struggle with every day, food and its control over my life. I make healthy decisions and compared to what I used to eat in high school and growing up, I know I am a healthy person, I just wish I could be better, more focused when it comes to my eating.

Most of all I want this to be a way of life for Kaelyn, I want her to grow up thinking that running is a way of life and that eating healthy, fruits, vegetables, lean meats and whole grains are what we do to fuel our body to live life effectively, not to make us emotionally happy. In turn this will help her live a happier live altogether.

I need to work on being better for her but most of all for me, because this emotional roller coaster I have that is driven by food is discusting and it makes me angry just thinking about it. I am the only one who can control it and I need to be stronger and more focused on overcoming it.


  1. OH, Jess.

    The food-coaster is a never ending battle over here. I COMPLETELY relate to this post.

    Tasty food makes me FEEL good. I like it. Period. I like the flavors, the textures, and the way it satisfies. Sometimes I'm not even hungry, but I still crave some of my favorites.

    I have a WICKED sweet tooth. HORRIBLE!

    I'd love to be your food accountability partner. I can't run -- okay, wait -- I CAN run...very slowly...very, very slow. S-L-O-W...

    But maybe we can help each other with the food stuff. I'm always looking for healthier dinner ideas. And I signed up for WW online in SEPTEMBER, but haven't been using it. FAIL.

    I know I need to improve in this area as well.

    Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone.

  2. Read "The Beck Diet Solution" which isn't a diet per se-- it's about how to successfully talk to yourself and reinforce healthy eating habits. I love this book!

    Also, read Julia's BJJ blog, google "jiu jiu's blog" to find it-- she deals with many of the same issues you and I do :)