A Never Ending Battle

It has taken me a while to figure out all the things I wanted to talk about in my next blog post, this blog post. There have been so many things that I have been dealing with in my own head that I haven't been able to find the words to put it down on paper. So I am just going to start and see where this goes.

My Running-

I have never been a runner, I was the fat girl in high school who started off the mile run at a jog and about 1/4 of the way through ended up walking the rest of the way, I dreaded running seriously dreaded it. Why, because I was lazy, really lazy. I never pushed myself to do anything that was hard. I played softball in high school, that was it and you know how much running that entitles.

The first experience I had with really running was in college at Yavapai when I had gained lots of weight and needed to loose it some how. I had a friend who would run with me around the square and slowly but surely I think I made it up to running a mile.

So on and off since then I have ran here and there but never really stuck to it. At our traveling class for BodyBack the other day I realized that I am the only one who keeps telling myself that I am not a runner. It is so ridiculous to say "I am not a runner" sorry if I offend some of you, but our bodies, our human bodies were made to run.

I have come to the conclusion that I may not be the best runner, but I run and I am proud of myself when I do it and when I complete a run. So I need to work on getting better, faster and stronger and it is going to be a never ending battle and I just have to deal with that.

My Weight-

Ohh God, here we go again, I am saying this because I am frustrated that something like a number on a scale constantly dictates how I feel about myself, my day and all kinds of other things around me. I have this never ending battle with food. I love it, I enjoy eating things that may be high in calories and fat and I don't have a shut off button.

I know what it takes to loose weight to eat healthy and to fuel your body with what it needs to be productive, have more energy and be a healthier individual in general. I know what my body needs to eat to loose weight but I constantly push the limits and eat things here and there that I know I shouldn't eat. Things that pretty much cancel out all the amazing workouts I do to burn those calories that would help me loose this last 15-20 lbs I would like to loose.

I just wish I had more self control, I wish I could be stronger when it comes to what I put in my body. But it is almost impossible for me to go out to eat and choose a salad over pizza, heck most of the time I will order the salad because it is delicious and I will get pizza too!

This is something I struggle with every day, food and its control over my life. I make healthy decisions and compared to what I used to eat in high school and growing up, I know I am a healthy person, I just wish I could be better, more focused when it comes to my eating.

Most of all I want this to be a way of life for Kaelyn, I want her to grow up thinking that running is a way of life and that eating healthy, fruits, vegetables, lean meats and whole grains are what we do to fuel our body to live life effectively, not to make us emotionally happy. In turn this will help her live a happier live altogether.

I need to work on being better for her but most of all for me, because this emotional roller coaster I have that is driven by food is discusting and it makes me angry just thinking about it. I am the only one who can control it and I need to be stronger and more focused on overcoming it.

Traveling Classes

For the past week I have been worried about the traveling class that we did this morning at BodyBack. I have been stressed out that I wouldn't do good, that I would be holding everyone back again. Just like last time. I need to get over it!

So I started the class feeling really good, keeping a good pace some where around the middle of the pack. About halfway through the class I really started to slow it down and mentally I was doing this because I started to worry that I wasn't going to make it to the end without stopping.

That is my thing, if I stop, I feel like I have given up. And if I feel like I have given up I feel like a total loser! We ran the hill again, only once, but it was pretty brutal, when I had the idea that we were going to run the hill I slowed it down even more.

I made it through the class just fine, I was breathing a little hard, but at the end when we were finished, I realized that I didn't push myself hardly at all the second half of the class. I was so disappointed in myself.

I spend so much time talking about how much I suck at running that I try to make excuses for myself, I realized today that I can run without stopping, heck I did for almost 8 miles at the half. Now I need to work on speeding it up a bit.

I know that we are all on our own journey and I need to get out of my comfort zone. I need to pick up the pace and get a move on. So next traveling class I am going to make sure I push myself so that when we finish the hour long class I can be proud of finishing and not just going through the motions.

If This Blog Could Talk.....

It would say, "Where the HELL have you been the last 5 months!"

I have been given the most awesome opportunity to do another session of BodyBack, its sort of a blessing to me right now because Brian and I have ALOT going on and never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be able to do another session, at least for a while.

So I am considering this my makeup session, because last time I did BodyBack I did awesome, up until about week 6ish. I had some pretty crazy stuff happen in my life that shifted my focus for quite some time. However, in an attempt to get past those things and get control on our crazy lives now, I am going to push myself to do something that I am afraid of again and that is BodyBack.

Last night at our assessments, I weighed in at about 10 lbs more than when I finished last BodyBack. I have some work to do, but honestly I can say that I still feel pretty physically strong, not as strong as I was, but I am a little bit more confident in myself this time, although Kelly our instructor has reassured us that it gets harder and harder every session.

So I hope you will join me on this second journey, I hope to continue with this blog through to the end this time. But most of all I hope to get back to the person I remember being around week 5 of the last BodyBack.

I really miss her.