A Never Ending Battle

It has taken me a while to figure out all the things I wanted to talk about in my next blog post, this blog post. There have been so many things that I have been dealing with in my own head that I haven't been able to find the words to put it down on paper. So I am just going to start and see where this goes.

My Running-

I have never been a runner, I was the fat girl in high school who started off the mile run at a jog and about 1/4 of the way through ended up walking the rest of the way, I dreaded running seriously dreaded it. Why, because I was lazy, really lazy. I never pushed myself to do anything that was hard. I played softball in high school, that was it and you know how much running that entitles.

The first experience I had with really running was in college at Yavapai when I had gained lots of weight and needed to loose it some how. I had a friend who would run with me around the square and slowly but surely I think I made it up to running a mile.

So on and off since then I have ran here and there but never really stuck to it. At our traveling class for BodyBack the other day I realized that I am the only one who keeps telling myself that I am not a runner. It is so ridiculous to say "I am not a runner" sorry if I offend some of you, but our bodies, our human bodies were made to run.

I have come to the conclusion that I may not be the best runner, but I run and I am proud of myself when I do it and when I complete a run. So I need to work on getting better, faster and stronger and it is going to be a never ending battle and I just have to deal with that.

My Weight-

Ohh God, here we go again, I am saying this because I am frustrated that something like a number on a scale constantly dictates how I feel about myself, my day and all kinds of other things around me. I have this never ending battle with food. I love it, I enjoy eating things that may be high in calories and fat and I don't have a shut off button.

I know what it takes to loose weight to eat healthy and to fuel your body with what it needs to be productive, have more energy and be a healthier individual in general. I know what my body needs to eat to loose weight but I constantly push the limits and eat things here and there that I know I shouldn't eat. Things that pretty much cancel out all the amazing workouts I do to burn those calories that would help me loose this last 15-20 lbs I would like to loose.

I just wish I had more self control, I wish I could be stronger when it comes to what I put in my body. But it is almost impossible for me to go out to eat and choose a salad over pizza, heck most of the time I will order the salad because it is delicious and I will get pizza too!

This is something I struggle with every day, food and its control over my life. I make healthy decisions and compared to what I used to eat in high school and growing up, I know I am a healthy person, I just wish I could be better, more focused when it comes to my eating.

Most of all I want this to be a way of life for Kaelyn, I want her to grow up thinking that running is a way of life and that eating healthy, fruits, vegetables, lean meats and whole grains are what we do to fuel our body to live life effectively, not to make us emotionally happy. In turn this will help her live a happier live altogether.

I need to work on being better for her but most of all for me, because this emotional roller coaster I have that is driven by food is discusting and it makes me angry just thinking about it. I am the only one who can control it and I need to be stronger and more focused on overcoming it.

Traveling Classes

For the past week I have been worried about the traveling class that we did this morning at BodyBack. I have been stressed out that I wouldn't do good, that I would be holding everyone back again. Just like last time. I need to get over it!

So I started the class feeling really good, keeping a good pace some where around the middle of the pack. About halfway through the class I really started to slow it down and mentally I was doing this because I started to worry that I wasn't going to make it to the end without stopping.

That is my thing, if I stop, I feel like I have given up. And if I feel like I have given up I feel like a total loser! We ran the hill again, only once, but it was pretty brutal, when I had the idea that we were going to run the hill I slowed it down even more.

I made it through the class just fine, I was breathing a little hard, but at the end when we were finished, I realized that I didn't push myself hardly at all the second half of the class. I was so disappointed in myself.

I spend so much time talking about how much I suck at running that I try to make excuses for myself, I realized today that I can run without stopping, heck I did for almost 8 miles at the half. Now I need to work on speeding it up a bit.

I know that we are all on our own journey and I need to get out of my comfort zone. I need to pick up the pace and get a move on. So next traveling class I am going to make sure I push myself so that when we finish the hour long class I can be proud of finishing and not just going through the motions.

If This Blog Could Talk.....

It would say, "Where the HELL have you been the last 5 months!"

I have been given the most awesome opportunity to do another session of BodyBack, its sort of a blessing to me right now because Brian and I have ALOT going on and never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be able to do another session, at least for a while.

So I am considering this my makeup session, because last time I did BodyBack I did awesome, up until about week 6ish. I had some pretty crazy stuff happen in my life that shifted my focus for quite some time. However, in an attempt to get past those things and get control on our crazy lives now, I am going to push myself to do something that I am afraid of again and that is BodyBack.

Last night at our assessments, I weighed in at about 10 lbs more than when I finished last BodyBack. I have some work to do, but honestly I can say that I still feel pretty physically strong, not as strong as I was, but I am a little bit more confident in myself this time, although Kelly our instructor has reassured us that it gets harder and harder every session.

So I hope you will join me on this second journey, I hope to continue with this blog through to the end this time. But most of all I hope to get back to the person I remember being around week 5 of the last BodyBack.

I really miss her.

WEEK 6!!!!

Wow has it been a busy couple of weeks, sorry I have not been on in a while, it is just one thing after another and I am so happy to be able to sit down and write a little about what the last two weeks have brought me.

Last week at BodyBack- I lost 1 lb at weigh in which I was happy about because at least it wasn't a gain and I do not think I was as strict as I should have been when it came to my eating. I slipped up a couple times. Last Monday we did a traveling class and ended up going 4.25 miles all while holding a 4 lb medicine ball! Crazy right, I did really good though and was really proud of myself. Not only did we do THE HILL, we did a couple more hills that were even MORE brutal! It was amazing though and at the end of that class when we dropped those medicine balls, I could care less if I picked up that darn medicine ball ever again. Kelly used it as an example to show us what it feels like to loose that much weight because all of us have at least lost 4 lbs so far during BodyBack.

This week started off good, I can not believe we are in week 6! I did really well at weigh in, I lost 2.8 lbs this week so I think that makes a total of about 10 lbs so far. Monday's class was rounds, very hard for me, non stop workout, 10 stations and in between stations we do cardio. It is a killer, but I have to say that the traveling classes are by far the hardest classes for me. I really need to work on my stamina when it comes to running.

Today's class was beyond words, in honor of Veteran's Day tomorrow, Kelly recruited one of her intense retired Army neighbors to come and kick the crap out of us! IT WAS AWESOME! From the very beginning we started off with some serious group workouts, we were split into two teams and our job was to motivate our team to keep going, we did a few different workouts then headed to THE HILL marching most of the way there. Ohh and did I mention we all looked totally cute in our Army hats! :)

We ran THE HILL as two teams, the person in the front of the line had a weighted rucksack on our back, once we got up and back down THE HILL as a team we switched the rucksack to the next person. Five people on our team means we did THE HILL five times! It was really hard and I pushed hard until the end and on the last run up THE HILL I stopped a took a few "walking steps" bad news, 1st Sgt. Meyer's was there behind me telling me to push, to focus on my objective and to push again!

How could I not get my butt up that hill! The whole time we were going up and down THE HILL, I thought about the stories Brian has told me about the mountains he had to climb in Afghanistan. I thought about how heavy his rucksack probably was since he had to carry everything he needed to survive on his back! My husband is always there, in the back of my mind pushing me even though he doesn't even realize it.

One hour of BodyBack is the least I could do for my family when Brian has sacrificed so much for Kaelyn and I. I know that BodyBack may not be like serving this country, but I do know that it is a lot of work and it is pushing me to be stronger, more dedicated and realize how amazing I really am.

So tomorrow, when I get to spend the day with my husband, my veteran and my hero, I will be thinking of the crazy workouts I have to look forward to at BodyBack next week and be grateful that I have the opportunity to be a part of such an amazing, uplifting program!

Halfway Point

This week has been crazy, I can not believe it is the halfway point. I feel like it is going by so fast and before I know it BodyBack is going to be over. Monday was great, I was really nervous about my weigh in, but I lost 2.2 lbs and am officially in the 170's. It has been a very long time since I have been in the 170's so obviously it is very exciting!

Monday's workout was great, we ran about 3.7 miles and watched an amazing sunrise, but today was beyond words. It was very tough for me to get through, we did rounds and then we went to the HILL. THE HILL, it is outrageous. We shuffled up the hill with a partner and ran back down it and then did high knees back up the hill and ran back down, all with a partner. My partner was Cindy, she is quite lovely actually. We have become very good friends and I am so grateful for her because she really has been there when I need her the most. She always pushes me to continue on and tells me that I am doing a good job. She is an amazing mom of two very beautiful little boys. I am so lucky to have friends like her and the other women at SS and BB.

Today's class focused on working with our partners, Kelly wanted to let us know that we are all here for each other and that we all have people who support us and lift us up. At the end of the class while we were winding down, Kelly played a song for us. It just so happened to be one of the songs that Brian and I danced to at our wedding, needless to say I cried immediately. Once the song was over Kelly gave us each letters from our husbands.

The letter was exactly what I needed, I am blessed beyond belief with a supporting, loving, caring husband who would do anything for me and our daughter. I love him more than words can explain and he is one of the main reason I am the person that I am. I could not be the woman, wife and mother I am without his love and support. Today I thought a lot about the time that Brian and I were apart when he spent a year in Afghanistan and months before that in Ft. Bragg NC. I think about the years we were married before we had Kaelyn, the places we went and the things we experienced together. The loved ones we have lost together, the support we were able to give each other during that time. I think about the anniversaries, birthdays and holidays we have shared together. And then I think about the years to come, the days we get to spend with Kaelyn and any other little ones we are blessed with and I can not express how grateful I am to have Brian. The one thing I hope more than anything is that he really knows how much I love and appreciate him. Today I am definitely counting my blessings.

Time to change the subject because I am getting really emotional lol! And back to BodyBack, Kelly did inform us that our workouts are only going to get harder from this point on! I am sure I will be pushing myself to new limits. I am excited to see where we go from here, week 5 here I come!

BodyBack Day 6

Let's start with the day before yesterday, once I got the baby to bed, I started youtubing video's about plyometrics because Kelly had fore warned us that we would be doing a plyo class yesterday. Much to my surprise I watched a bunch of UFC guys jumping up and down boxes, doing jump pushups and all kinds of crazy stuff. At that point I was scared to death! Then I watched a few videos of basic plyo and it looked pretty fun! So I started feeling a little bit better and quite a bit more confident that I could potentially do the workout that she had planned.

We got started right away as usually and it was fast paced non-stop jumping! It was one of the most intense cardio workouts I have ever had, it was awesome! After it was over, I went straight home to get ready for Stroller Strides, we started SS a little early yesterday because we were planning on going to the nursing home after class to take the kiddies in their costumes to visit the ol' folks!

On a side note- SS was amazing! It was a cardio class that turned into Kelly coming up with whatever she could off the top of her head because it started raining, it was really coming down at times! It was wonderful, I have lived in AZ my whole life so needless to say when it rains, it is happy time for me!

After class we got the babies all dressed up and headed to the nursing home, it was not until I was literally in the car on the way that I started getting really emotional, thinking about my grandma and how much I miss her, it has only been about 6 months since she passed away very unexpectedly. She had hip replacement surgery that went well and the next day, I spoke to hear and she sounded wonderful, about an hour or so after I talked to her she got up to do physical therapy and collapsed, that was about it.

I know grandma's are grandma's and that they all go eventually, but my grandma Nancy was not just a grandma to me. She was like a mom at times because my dad lived with her for a large portion of my life and when I would visit my dad I would be with her as well. She was very young at heart, she liked dressing up and getting her nails done and wore a lot of the same shoes and jewelry as I do. She had awesome taste! She also loved the fact that people thought we were mother/daughter, I know it was because it made her feel young. :)

My grandma Nancy meant more to me than I could ever explain, she loved me unconditionally and was always proud of me and everything I did. There are not many people in our lives like that, in fact I can count mine on one hand. Even though I wish I could bring her back sometimes so bad it hurts, I know she is in a better place. She was a very faithful woman and loved God with all her heart.

So when Kaelyn and I got to the nursing home it was hard to see all of the people and how they were waiting the days out until they go to their next home. Some of them could barely understand what was going on, their quality of life seemed very minimal. Once we left, I thought about how grateful I am that my grandma never had to live that way, that she was young and youthful and happy up until the day she died.

I wish I could tell my grandma Nancy about BodyBack, I know she would be so proud of me for what I have accomplished and how I am setting a good example for Kaelyn. I know she would tell me to keep up the good work and that all of the hard work will pay off in the end. I know she would call me and ask me how my workouts were going.

Today is her birthday and I am glad I waited to post this until today because I am happy that this post is for her and that I am remembering how amazing she was as a woman, how she may not have been physically strong, but she was a strong woman and never gave up on the people she loved. I hope that I can make Kaelyn feel as loved as she made me feel my whole life.

She was a wonderful woman and I love her with all my heart.

BodyBack Day 5

Today was a good day, I took a day or two off from working out last week and I felt well rested. I am a little disappointed that I didn't do better running yesterday morning because I wanted to do three miles and I will explain more in a bit but it just didn't go well. BUT I have had some serious self control when it comes to my eating, eating healthy and whole foods seems to be second nature to me now.

Everything I eat revolves around the idea of turning things I love into healthier versions. So after talking with my good friend Kellen the other day about what I want to be when I grow up I decided that once this BodyBack blog is done I am going to transition into a blog about what I eat and probably about exercise too! HAHA, sounds a little crazy but I think you would all be very interested in knowing what this crazy person eats and how I keep my calories and fats low yet still get all the nutrition I need. Also, I have a very serious passion for preparing healthy foods for my daughter (on a budget) and I would like to help other moms realize that they can do the same and that a Happy Meal is not their only option.

Anyway, I mentioned that I would be changing my weigh in day to today so at weigh in this morning I lost 3.8 lb's! Yeah, pretty awesome right?! Not only did I loose almost 4 lb's I went shopping in my closet and found that ALL of my clothes fit me, a few of my jeans are a little snug, but for the most part they all fit and some are even too big! The funny thing is, I weigh about 180 right now, that is about 10 lbs larger than I was when I used to wear the same clothes! MUSCLE WEIGHTS MORE THAN FAT! It is so true!

I had 2 awesome workouts today and can see great results from working out and eating healthy and I am so motivated. Yesterday on the other hand, I was not in the mood for going on a run and I had already told my friends who were running the 1/2 that I would run a 5k and think of them. It didn't go so well, I got started and my mind was working against me and I ran about a 1/2 a mile and quit, I literally walked for about 20 minutes and came home, a quitter!

When I got home I felt like poop, I could have pushed myself to get it done but I just didn't have the motivation. Then days like today come where we are reminded of how hard we have worked and how much potential we have, and for me, that is how I get my motivation to keep going. I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to participate in this BodyBack program. It is really helping me remember to push myself and to make healthy decisions when it comes to eating and life in general.

Today was a good day! :)